Valentine's Day Massacre: The All-Essential XXX-Rated Playlist

If you're going to waste your text characters arranging a stooshy dinner date, this definitive list ain't for you. On one hand, the popular majority still does Valentine's Day in a genteel manner. It could mean anything from a box of chocolates to a dinner reservation at Wolfgang Puck's latest resto-launch.

If you're like me, the Valentine's Day (massacre) is one of two things: the straw that broke Al Capone's nationwide bootlegging operation in the late 20s or in the most literal sense, a motion to skip GO and cross over to the bedroom with that special someone.

This here is for the consummate V-Day planners who need an inspirational push - those who lack the gumption to say what they desire. The following rappers have done their part in furthering our adulterated cause. They have done what softcore rappers like LL Cool J could only dream of accomplishing. This Valentine’s Day, these eight songs have been selected to enhance your chances in the sack, whether you're fella, a queen bee or a thotiana. You’d be unwise to look elsewhere

Akinyele's most famous song is perhaps the most literal in translation. Before breaking out of NY's underground with "Put It In Your Mouth," Akinyele's lone claim to fame was an appearance on Main Source's "Live at the Barbeque," the song that introduced Nasir Jones to the World. As history would have it, Akinyele's 5-Year residency was as fortuitous as it was graphic in tone. By the time he was ready to unveil his Fellatio-inspired sex anthem, Akin had already mastered the art of the metaphor, as demonstrated by his deconstruction of the name "Herbie Hancock" into a physical description of a handjob, in addition to his memorable image of chapped lips touching chapped foreskin. The proof is in the master tape.

Xzibit's teen-friendly image is something the MTV generation became accustomed to. But to the general rap fan, X to the Z was as raunchy as they come. On "Choke Me, Spank Me (Pull My Hair)," the West Coast-based rapper gave his fans a Bill Belichick-worthy playbook of sex directives, starting with the cadence of a downward toppy motion, leading to the search and rescue of the female G-Spot. And to make things all the more didactic to the sexual debutant, with Traci Nelson providing a co-ed endorsement with her yearnful performance of "Choke me, spank me, pull my hair" on the hook.

Perhaps the most impactful song on this list: Khia's "My Neck" has become a pop culture relic in the years following its release. It could be argued that Saweetie's adoption of the "My Neck" beat helped her gain some of her traction in the early going. The cultural resonance associated with the beat is otherworldly powerful, to the point where innocent bystanders have become entrenched with the singular catchphrase of "My neck, my back, Lick my pussy and my crack." Several years later, Khia would cement herself as the epitome of unsolicited smut when she voluntarily posted nudes on Twitter, well ahead of the curve. "My Neck" is made all the more "powerful" by the hyperreal association it provokes in the mind.

Any smut list would be incomplete without Lil Kim, whose explicit efforts laid the groundwork for the doctrine of Sex Positivism. Although one of several Lil Kim songs would have been sufficed, "Not Tonight" gets the nod for two reasons. For starters, Lil Kim's surface level exposition of lewd sex acts is spot-on, and in 1996 hip-hop was in dire need of the female perspective. Secondly, although she doesn't coin the phrase outright, "Not Tonight" may very well be the first documented description of what went onto become the "f*ck friend." Meet your maker.

If you grew up listening to the radio version of the "Wait (The Whisper Song)," I feel sorry for you. But in fairness the muted refrain of "wait til' you see my d*ck" is only half the battle. The rest of the magic is expressed through Kaine & D-Roc's whispery tone, so they can create a teasing rapport with the listener. It didn't take long for Mr. Collipark, The Ying Yang Twins, and sound engineer Joel Mullis to dispatch the record as a music video, where the ruse of the Gemini act whispering into a woman's ear actually came to life.

Leave it to Lil Jon to conceive of a beat using the sound of a squeaky mattress. On Trillville's one hit wonder "Some Cut," Lil Jon creates a moment of tension by withholding "the drop" for nearly 30 seconds. Never once does Lil Jon relieve us of the muted sex sounds. Think about it: with lightly padded walls what do you hear? - a headboard, a squeaky mattress, the occasional yyyyiiip!!! In this respect, Lil Jon crafted the ultimate marriage of Crunk music and Voyeurism. 

As with Lil Kim's inclusion, no list smut list would have been complete without the criminally underestimated a selection from Queens-born rappers Psycho Les, JuJu, and former members Corona and Fashion, who form/formed the Dominican-American rap ensemble The Beatnuts. Their smuttiest record "Lick the Pussy" begins on a fitting note, with the audio dubbing of an unknown Porn film.

"Mmm yeah, I bet you're dying to take out your cock and fuck me
Aren't you? (Mmm hmm) Don't you wanna fuck me? (Mmm hmm)
But first..."

Before Nicki Minaj summoned the courage to treat male rappers as lunch meat on "Barbie Dreams," The Beatnuts were guilty of dropping names indiscriminately. On the intro stanza of "Lick the Pussy," then-member Fashion shoots his shot at both members of R&B group SWV, before launching into a diatribe about the erogenous powers of his tongue - all in the measure of 16 bars.

Those who know BeatKing best, know him as the shameless plug of all things indecent. Most of his fans are essentially "Johns," because as it stands, BeatKing stays cooped up in Houston's Strip Club circuit.

Pay no attention to the YouTube tag that implies that BeatKing's "I Eat Booty" is a diss record aimed at Baton Rouge-native Kevin Gates - the song has little to do with anything unpleasant, that is unless you find anal-play unnerving.