50 Cent donned a blindfold, spun a globe, and landed on "Cashville."
Until the day comes where Instagram requires a wholesome track record to sign up, 50 Cent will continue to reign freely over the playground. We've long followed his antics across the span of several months, chronicling his petty feuds with vigilance like historians easily fascinated. Yet how can you deny the man's penchant for entertainment?
At once a hero, a villain, and a heel, 50 Cent has skillfully managed to combine all three WWE archetypes into one MS-Paint savvy package. While last week found him finessing a slogan and square dancing with an old nemesis, this week once again cuts to 50 picking at a few old wounds, long-scabbed over. Perhaps he inadvertently queued up Beg For Mercy on shuffle, only to be filled with long-quelled emotion upon hearing Young Buck's familiar drawl.
Perhaps he simply grew tired of battling through memes, when bars are far more pointed a blade. Could competitive spirit have been at the root of this week's biggest feud? Or is it simply boredom, that old familiar sting?
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SAVE THE SWEET STUFF FOR MAMA BUCK
Why can’t we all just get along? The in-fighting between G-Unit, a once mighty trifecta, has reached critical mass. While Lloyd Banks has opted to watch this one unfold from the shadows, Young Buck and 50 Cent have since engaged in public warfare. As with many of 50’s post-music-career feuds, this one originated on Instagram, after 50 mocked Young Buck’s rumored relationship with a transgender woman. “I told him his personal choice to date a transexual will confuse some of his core audience but with the support of the LGBT he should be fine," wrote 50, in a since-deleted Instagram post. Ostensibly a message of support, one must question the source from whence it came; a rough translation finds this one dripping with condescension.
Buck certainly interpreted 50’s message as such, taking to Instagram Live to air out some of his grievances. While his seating partner did their best to avoid peering into the phone, Buck let fly several belittling threats in 50’s direction. Like outlaws of yore, he challenged his former boss to a duel of the lyrical variety. "I'll burn your career down. I'll Ja Rule you,” threatens Buck. “If you such a real n***a, why don't you let me go? You understand what I'm saying? And we'll fight the battle like that. Line me up like Ja Rule. Go bar-for-bar with me, n***a. Play that game, you scared?"
While Buck’s attempts to coax 50 back into the ring are valiant, it feels as if 50 has since retired his blood-stained G-Unit kicks. Even if he were to bite, the HNHH community has Fif favored as the victor, with a staggering sixty-three percent of users riding behind him. Fans of 50’s penchant for dismantling his foes can only hope Buck’s challenge awakens a competitive spirit long thought dormant.
THE 4TH QUARTER GAMBIT
While “Reality TV Shows” have run rampant, spreading like so many vines, it’s easy to lose the blurred line between fiction and reality. 50 Cent recently found himself floored by the long-running series Vanderpump Rules, an affair from which I’ll spare you the greater plot details. 50 himself appeared to have been tuning in to a recent episode, as he took a moment to chime in on a particular scene. The scene in question finds Lala Kent explaining the origin story of her relationship with producer Randall Emmett, as Lala admits to giving it up on “the first night” after a securing an audition.
From that point on, Emmett would gift her with lavish extravagances, including a Range Rover, upon an increasingly heated bout of sexual liaisons. “The first time we banged I got a car the next day,” she admits, in a clip shared on 50’s IG page. He wasted little time in offering up his own scathing commentary. “10 seconds left in the 4 quarter hoe’s are Winning,” he writes. “Do you want A range rover, yes, bitch yassss. Then just run out and suck a dick. LOL smh.” He also paints an even more vivid picture in a subsequent reply, writing “ME TOO ROLE PLAY: Are you a actress? come to my hotel and act like you really want the role, then suck a dick. No good Randall No good.” To thicken the plot even further, Emmett also happens to be the producer of both Power and BMF. When asked about such a dynamic, 50 Cent kept it a buck: “that’s my man but he’s a sucker.” You gotta see it to believe it.
“THE LAWS OF GODS AND MEN"
The sacred dance, which some have chosen to interpret as a “mating ritual,” between 50 Cent and Teairra Mari continues. Chroniclers of their eternal feud have made note of an ebb and flow, in which the aggressor alternates on a damn near weekly basis. Occasionally, Fifty will fire the opening volleys, prompting Mari to engage in a defense strategy. This time around, 50 has allowed himself time and space to take a defensive position, taking a strong-armed position to deflect Mari’s frequent shots. “The Law Is The Law,” says 50, donning a Judge’s attire for added emphasis. In other words, defer to the powers that be. In other words, this.
That’s not to say Mari is a pushover. In fact, she has been matching his wit in stride, employing whatever angle best suits her cause. From claiming to have ended his career, calling him “spare change,” to imagining him as a twisted variant of Disney’s “Maleficent,” Teairra has upped the ante of her creative angles. Despite the onslaught of piss-taking, 50 has remained stalwart in his position. “The Law Is The Law,” he says, arms all but crossing through the screen. If the best offense truly is an impregnable defense, then 50 Cent’s proverbial womb is as barren as they come.