My Name Is, The Slim Shady LP, 1999.
Victim: Pamela Anderson
“Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee’s tits off
And smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kriss Kross.”
I’m sure the domestically violent Lee family was thrilled to learn that a bleached-blonde, trailer park rap god from Detroit found them downright hilarious.
Role Model, The Slim Shady LP, 1999.
Victim: Hilary Clinton
“Hilary Clinton tried to slap me and call me a pervert
I ripped her fuckin’ tonsils out and fed her sherbert.”
Somebody better hope 2016 swings right.
Role Model, The Slim Shady LP, 1999.
Victim: Garth Brooks
“My mind won’t work if my spine don’t jerk
I slapped Garth Brooks out of his rhinestone shirt.”
Garth Brooks’ real name is Troyal, so Marshall could have definitely gone there, too.
I’m Back, The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000.
Victims:Jennifer Lopez, Puff Daddy
“So I just, throw up a middle finger and let it linger longer than the rumor that I was stickin’ it to Christina
’Cause if I ever stuck it to any singer in showbiz it’d be Jennifer Lopez, and Puffy you know this
I’m sorry Puff, but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother,
I still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her
And have a son and a new brother at the same time and just say that it ain’t mine.”
Love don’t cost a thing.
The Real Slim Shady, The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000.
Victims:Christina Aguilera, Carson Daly, Fred Durst
“Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs so I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
And hear ‘em argue over who she gave head to first.”
Eminem positioned himself as the fourth corner of a rather charming quadrilateral of love, wouldn’t you say? Fast-forward a couple of years and out of left field, Redman owns a guest verse and a front row seat to the “Dirty” video. Funk Doc!
Marshall Mathers, The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000.
As many of you know, it’s about to get real.
“I’m anti-Backstreet and Ricky Martin
With instincts to kill N’Sync, don’t get me started
These fuckin brats can’t sing and Britney’s garbage
What’s this bitch retarded? Gimme back my sixteen dollars.”
One, big, happy TRL family.
“New Kids on the Block sucked a lot of dick, boy/girl groups make me sick
And I can’t wait ‘til I catch all of you faggots in public, I’ma love it
Vanilla Ice don’t like me, said some shit in Vibe to spite me
Then went and dyed his hair just like me.”
Not quite as much TRL in these bars, just low-hanging fruit. Moving on.
“Plus, I was put here to put fear in faggots who spray Faygo Rootbeer
And call themselves “Clowns” ‘cause they look queer
Faggot2Dope and Silent Gay, claiming Detroit when y’all live twenty miles away
And I don’t wrestle, I’ll knock you fuckin’ faggots the fuck out
Ask ‘em about the club they was at when they snuck out
After they ducked out the back when they saw us and bugged out.”
Sheesh. And he’s not even finished with them there, but that’s none of my business.
Criminal, The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000.
Victim: Gianni Versace
“Hey, it’s me, Versace/Whoops, somebody shot me
And I was just checkin’ the mail/Get it? Checkin’ the ‘male.’”
That one really stings the audience in 2014.
“So this is what we ask of our fans
If you ever see Everlast, whoop his ass
Hit him with sticks, bricks, rocks, throw shit at him
Kick him, spit on him, treat him like a ho, bitch-slap him.”
A miscommunication between Eminem and Everlast provoked Everlast to use a violent metaphor naming Eminem’s daughter, which caused Eminem to record this song and induce Everlast’s second major heart attack.
Nail in the Coffin, 2002.
“If you was really sellin’ coke, then what the fuck you stop for dummy?
If you slew some crack you’d make a lot more money than you do from rap.”
He’s got you there.
Without Me, The Eminem Show, 2002.
Victims: Chris Kirkpatrick, Limp Bizkit, Moby
“Chris Kirkpatrick you can get your ass kicked worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards
And Moby you can stomped by Obie, you 36-year-old bald-headed fag, blow me”
What if Chris Kirkpatrick and Moby were actually short-tempered brawlers who’ve been secretly sparring for this very moment? Imagination is fun.
Say What You Say, The Eminem Show, 2002.
A guest feature from Dr. Dre:
"Ya midget, Mini-Me, with a bunch of little Mini-Yous, running around your backyard swimming pools
Over 80 million records sold, and I ain’t have to do it with 10 or 11 year olds.”
GO TO YOUR ROOM BOW WOW, I’M TICKED OFF!
“So we pulled up to the bridge where he was last spotted
His corpse was still movin' but his ass was rotted
And he kinda smelled a little like Courtney Love
I figured if I stick him with a fork, he's done.”
In 2004, Canibus was discharged from the United States Army for smoking marijuana. This is not 'Nam, Canibus, there are rules.
Hailie’s Revenge, Straight From The Lab, 2003.
Hailie: Daddy, is Ja Rule taller than me?
Eminem: No, you guys are the same size.
Neither guy has much latitude to boast about. Emienem (5’8’’) is one inch shorter than the average American man. Ja Rule (5’6’’) stands as tall as the average Dutch woman. Just so you know.
The Invasion Part II (a.k.a. The Conspiracy), 2003.
Victim: Norah Jones
“What the fuck is going on? Who the fuck is Norah Jones?
Shady, wait a minute, baby, leave the whore alone
Just go up there and be humble and take them awards home.”
Mosh, Encore, 2004.
Victim: George W. Bush
“Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let ‘em know
Stop, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home.”
Vote or die! Kerry/Edwards 2004!
Just Lose It, Encore, 2004.
“What else could I possibly do to make noise?
I done touched on everything but little boys
That’s not a stab at Michael
That’s just a metaphor, I’m just psycho.”
Definitely a stab at Michael.
We Made You, Relapse, 2009.
“Shady man, no, don’t massacre the fans
Damn, I think Kim Kardashian’s a man
She stomped him, just ‘cause he asked to put his hands
On her massive, gluteus maximus again
Squeeze it and squash it and pass it to a friend
Can he come back as nasty as he can?
Yes he can, Cam, don’t ask me this again
He does not mean to lesbian offend
But Lindsay, please come back to seein’ men
Samantha’s a two, you’re practically a ten”
Just to show you that he can rap an entire cover of US Weekly.
"The enforcer, look at the more women to torture
Walk up to the cutest girl and Charlie-horse her Sorry Portia, but what's Ellen DeGeneres
Have that I don't? Are you tellin' me tenderness?
Well I could be as gentle and as smooth as a gentleman
Give me my Ventolin inhaler and two Xenadrine
And I'll invite Sarah Palin out to dinner then
Nail her, maybe say, "Hello to my little friend"
Brit, forget K-Fed, let's cut out the middleman
Forget him or you'll end up in the hospital again
And this time it won't be for the Ritalin binge
Forget them other men, girl pay them little attention
And little did I mention that Jennifer's in love with me
John Mayer, so sit on the bench
Man, I swear them other guys you give 'em an inch
They take a mile, they got style, but it isn't Slim."
Just to show you that he can pick your kids up from soccer practice at Harvard-Westlake and easily strike up conversation with the other moms.
Medicine Ball, Relapse, 2009.
“I’ll pee on Rihanna, see man I do what I wanna
Spray perfume in the sauna room, crazy gluing Madonna
To the La-Z-Boy softa, fold her in two and just sit on her.”
Gross on all counts. Next:
“Put Christopher Reeves on a unicycle with a kickstand
Kick it up and push him and lead him right into quicksand
Here, you need a hand, big man? Grab hold of this branch
With both hands, man they don’t understand I’m just a sick man.”
There are no heroes in this story.
Underground, Relapse, 2009.
“Hannah Montana, prepare to elope with a can-opener
And be cut open like cantaloupe and canopy beds
And Glad bags, yeah, glad to be back.”
Add that to your already scornful Miley Cyrus memory bank.
The Warning, 2010.
Victims: Mr. and Mrs. Cannon
In response to: “Obsessed”
"Wow Mariah, didn't expect you to go balls out
Bitch shut the fuck up 'fore I pull all them phone calls out
You made to my house when you was Wild'n Out
Before Nick, when you was on my dick and give you something to smile about
How many times you fly to my house, still trying to count."
Old school blackmail for you snap chat children of the corn. This was a great American public shaming.
A Kiss, 2011.
“And tell Lady Gaga she can quit her job at the post office, she’s still a male lady.
Wouldn’t fuck her with her dick, you heard it, the verdict’s in.”
There goes my pipe dream of an Eminem and Gaga Grammy performance that would have been all too weird for mankind.
Berzerk, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, 2013.
Victims: Khloe Kardashian, Lamar Odom
“And they say that love is powerful as cough syrup in Styrofoam
All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo
With the ugly Kardashian, Lamar, oh sorry yo
We done both set the bar low.”
How much more fun would it have been if French Montana was pressed with this lyric? So much more fun.
Love Game, The Marshall Mathers LP2, 2013.
Victim: Tori Spelling
“Never been a more compelling case
Than the model covered in L’Oreal and mace
Who fell from grace eleven stories for storytelling
While the whole was yelling, “Rape”
Til her vocal cords were swelling
And her voice were more hoarser than Tori Spelling’s face.”
And THAT’S what you get for having imposing cheekbones, Tori Spelling.
Good day, everyone.